On Girlfriends

The first sign of commitment is when you see a guy roaming around in the middle of the night whispering into his phone. That soon degenerates into an addiction. Soon you realize that your chum-buddy-pal has disappeared, replaced by a zombie whose C.V. should list "Drooling into my phone" under the hobbies section. And if you're a friend of the poor bastard you'll be privy to several conversations along the following lines:

"What's the jackass doing?"
"Dude, he's on his phone..."
"Again???!!!!! What in god's name is wrong with him?"
"Well... he did say he'd be back in ten."
"That was an hour ago."
After a long pause during which it sinks in that they're a man down.
"Screw the asshole... Put the next map as 'Gephyrophobia'."

The lack of a girlfriend in school as well as college kept me safe from the virus. Yet even in my solitude I was not ignorant of the fact that people around me were getting into relationships. Gaming sessions went to hell, people never seemed to have money to fuel my Pepsi addiction and were always sorry for not being there the other day. Two years of this and I got sick and tired and decided to go and get into a relationship. Alas! To no avail. I don't know maybe there's something in my face which said "Douchebag Alert" but yeah you get the point. So my quest for the holy grail ended right there on a sad note. Heard similar stories from others and then one day, me and another AFC (Average Frustrated Chump), Gillu, decided to list the pros and cons of not having a girlfriend.

The experts that we are on the pros, I'll list them first...

1. You're not an embarrassment to yourself. Seriously you might be running after pussy but you're not a pussy. I mean former friends calling each other as "Aap" and "Tumko" is just plain fucking weird. I have had friends walking on the beach draw hearts around shells in the sand. And the worst one, lying on a couch, in what seemed as the Spoon Position, in a different room and talking on the phone when there are others are having beer and watching cricket.

2. You generally have some balance in your phone. As you would have guessed, the sex-chat sessions often leave both the parties without any money for making other calls. This also has the effect of changing subscribers regularly because some jackass company came up with the idea of free minutes and messages. Another thing is that, you don't have to take regular back-ups of you inbox beacuse that message was oh-soooo-cute.

3. You are aware of the fact that you have other friends. If you're not in a relationship you can simply tell the other person that you have to watch a movie or play games and that's the end of it. You don't start thinking "I think she might break up wih me, so I might as well talk with her." My Halo, Hawx and UT nights have been ruined just because my friend's grillfriend called him up. Then obviously is the part when you're on the other side of town just to be with your fuck-not-buddy when others are looking for you for a treat.

4. You don't have to remember dates. Rose day, Chocolate day, Birthday, First-noticed-you day, First-spoke-to-you day, First-noticed-your-ass-isn't-perfect day et cetera is not something you have to deal with. Valentine's day is the only day you remember because that's when you're sitting alone in the hostel bitching.

5. You don't waste time going out on shopping excursions where you don't buy anything. One of the seven habits is "Putting first things first." And if you're a guy you know it's sleep. So no compromise over there for us single guys.

6. You don't waste time going out on shopping excursions where you spend all the money you borrowed from your friends on a kick ass bracelet or a taxidermist's product. Instead you get to crib about the money that you lent to people and later bask in the glow of fresh cash when it's returned.

7. You aren't mindwashed into doing things that as a sane person you would never do. Case in point the Rosenrot video. Shows how completely demented a person can become due to an infatuation.

8. You don't get impending suicide threats everytime you talk about breaking-up, taking things slow or even calling back. No this is not me talking through my hat.


And presenting the cons

1. You're fucking desperate and even that is an understatement. Now that is not as a result of raging hormones but somewhat of a complex. "Dude what the fuck is the matter with girls...? How can that god-forsaken asshole have a girlfriend while I'm single?" So every decently hot chick becomes a more than just a girl. Soon though, realizing the futility of it, you stop trying the "Be Proactive" approach, relax and watch a good porno.

2. You're prone to getting your neck sprained. You're out having a good time with your friends when suddenly one of them gasps and says "Dude... Did you see that one?" And in attempt to catch a glimpse of "the angel" he saw, you decide to make a claim for your medical insurance.

3. You eventually run low on balance. This is a direct consequence of having committed friends. They'll finish up their balance and then come to you with a "Please I'll die if I don't talk to her" look on their faces. When they've finished up your balance they'll embark on the search for a new sheep.

4. You don't get to have good food for free. Girls can't eat for shit, that's a universally accepted fact. That they love to order is another. So that's one party we're never invited to.

Now I'm sure all you committed people are thinking "That's not true. Being in a relationship is so rewarding and blah blabbity blah." Why don't all of you go and suck a popsicle while you're at it.