On Girlfriends

The first sign of commitment is when you see a guy roaming around in the middle of the night whispering into his phone. That soon degenerates into an addiction. Soon you realize that your chum-buddy-pal has disappeared, replaced by a zombie whose C.V. should list "Drooling into my phone" under the hobbies section. And if you're a friend of the poor bastard you'll be privy to several conversations along the following lines:

"What's the jackass doing?"
"Dude, he's on his phone..."
"Again???!!!!! What in god's name is wrong with him?"
"Well... he did say he'd be back in ten."
"That was an hour ago."
After a long pause during which it sinks in that they're a man down.
"Screw the asshole... Put the next map as 'Gephyrophobia'."

The lack of a girlfriend in school as well as college kept me safe from the virus. Yet even in my solitude I was not ignorant of the fact that people around me were getting into relationships. Gaming sessions went to hell, people never seemed to have money to fuel my Pepsi addiction and were always sorry for not being there the other day. Two years of this and I got sick and tired and decided to go and get into a relationship. Alas! To no avail. I don't know maybe there's something in my face which said "Douchebag Alert" but yeah you get the point. So my quest for the holy grail ended right there on a sad note. Heard similar stories from others and then one day, me and another AFC (Average Frustrated Chump), Gillu, decided to list the pros and cons of not having a girlfriend.

The experts that we are on the pros, I'll list them first...

1. You're not an embarrassment to yourself. Seriously you might be running after pussy but you're not a pussy. I mean former friends calling each other as "Aap" and "Tumko" is just plain fucking weird. I have had friends walking on the beach draw hearts around shells in the sand. And the worst one, lying on a couch, in what seemed as the Spoon Position, in a different room and talking on the phone when there are others are having beer and watching cricket.

2. You generally have some balance in your phone. As you would have guessed, the sex-chat sessions often leave both the parties without any money for making other calls. This also has the effect of changing subscribers regularly because some jackass company came up with the idea of free minutes and messages. Another thing is that, you don't have to take regular back-ups of you inbox beacuse that message was oh-soooo-cute.

3. You are aware of the fact that you have other friends. If you're not in a relationship you can simply tell the other person that you have to watch a movie or play games and that's the end of it. You don't start thinking "I think she might break up wih me, so I might as well talk with her." My Halo, Hawx and UT nights have been ruined just because my friend's grillfriend called him up. Then obviously is the part when you're on the other side of town just to be with your fuck-not-buddy when others are looking for you for a treat.

4. You don't have to remember dates. Rose day, Chocolate day, Birthday, First-noticed-you day, First-spoke-to-you day, First-noticed-your-ass-isn't-perfect day et cetera is not something you have to deal with. Valentine's day is the only day you remember because that's when you're sitting alone in the hostel bitching.

5. You don't waste time going out on shopping excursions where you don't buy anything. One of the seven habits is "Putting first things first." And if you're a guy you know it's sleep. So no compromise over there for us single guys.

6. You don't waste time going out on shopping excursions where you spend all the money you borrowed from your friends on a kick ass bracelet or a taxidermist's product. Instead you get to crib about the money that you lent to people and later bask in the glow of fresh cash when it's returned.

7. You aren't mindwashed into doing things that as a sane person you would never do. Case in point the Rosenrot video. Shows how completely demented a person can become due to an infatuation.

8. You don't get impending suicide threats everytime you talk about breaking-up, taking things slow or even calling back. No this is not me talking through my hat.


And presenting the cons

1. You're fucking desperate and even that is an understatement. Now that is not as a result of raging hormones but somewhat of a complex. "Dude what the fuck is the matter with girls...? How can that god-forsaken asshole have a girlfriend while I'm single?" So every decently hot chick becomes a more than just a girl. Soon though, realizing the futility of it, you stop trying the "Be Proactive" approach, relax and watch a good porno.

2. You're prone to getting your neck sprained. You're out having a good time with your friends when suddenly one of them gasps and says "Dude... Did you see that one?" And in attempt to catch a glimpse of "the angel" he saw, you decide to make a claim for your medical insurance.

3. You eventually run low on balance. This is a direct consequence of having committed friends. They'll finish up their balance and then come to you with a "Please I'll die if I don't talk to her" look on their faces. When they've finished up your balance they'll embark on the search for a new sheep.

4. You don't get to have good food for free. Girls can't eat for shit, that's a universally accepted fact. That they love to order is another. So that's one party we're never invited to.

Now I'm sure all you committed people are thinking "That's not true. Being in a relationship is so rewarding and blah blabbity blah." Why don't all of you go and suck a popsicle while you're at it.

Three days in Heaven and Hell

Placements season is a tough time for most of us. The stress of the written test and interviews, the dejection at not clearing a particular round and the strained smiles when you hear about others getting through. My season opened up with a rejection from ZS Associates, didn't bother me a lot at that time, though now I feel that I could have done more for that company. I mean it's pretty good, 9 LPA and an office in Gurgaon ain't bad. Forgot to apply for some companies such as Futures First, which though embarrassing was again not much of a big deal. Then came the news that Deloitte was visiting campus. I'd heard a lot about it from Anantika and Papa, hence was kinda serious for the company. So this was the beginning of the sleepless nights that I'd heard of but never actually experienced. Went to sleep at around midnight, slept for like four hours at the most and woke up. Actually tense for the first time. Forced myself to sleep for a couple of more hours, but again disturbed sleep was what I got. The morning was a rush-rush affair. Got up, got ready and pushed off to the auditorium. Saw Pradhan in a suit, looking pretty decent, and Jain pointed out "Yaar ye toh aisa lag raha ki zindagi mein kabhi bhi dope nahi mara hua isne." The PPT was, as is true for most presentation, a lot of boring shit. Gave the written sitting in the front row, with Prateek and Maneet. Got up to realize that there was cheating going on at massive scale, cursed myself for not following suit and got out with the realization that clearing the written round was gonna be one long shot.

Directi, a software company, had its selection process the next day. This time I applied on Resume Manager and braced myself for the afternoon session of coding by making arrangements for Dev-C++ and Firefox. Again had a restless night. The next day, I was hanging around the audi when suddenly the news came that the written results for Deloitte were out. Rushed to the library with the others and saw my name on the list. Breathed a sigh of relief only to realize that I was appearing for Directi in less than 20 minutes. Out came the phone and phone calls were made to daddy dearest. All I heard was "Screw Directi..." The Directi PPT was again boring and reeking of manure. They'd brought this little douche along, one of their so called "Programmers". I have seen beggars who were happier than that sorry soul. The programming round was interesting. One simple double for-loop problem, the other more complex but achievable via dynamic programming. Mine was the second fastest entry for the first problem, after Siddhanth's, this baap admi from my class, and I got an IPod Shuffle for my work, woohoo. Thus unintentionally I managed to clear the first round. Kriti, Atulya and Kanika (God bless their souls) got my phone charger from the hostel when I realized that the next thing was a telephonic interview. But again, first "Our Father, who art on Earth". I tell him that I cleared the first round and ask him for some advice on how to screw up. He imparts wisdom gathered from several years of experience. The telephonic interview was pretty cool. This guy in Mumbai is trying to probe my mind for secrets on what algorithm I'd used.I told him that I'd gotten lucky and that set the general mood for the interview, with me playing the part of a complete dumbass with elan. Then came the HR interview with Ankush Agarwal. I entered the room, wearing a completely dejected and morose look. Started the interview off on a good note "I am the black sheep of my family." They don't get better than that. Then after I'd moped around for some time, he started. And boy did he abuse me...! He started telling me shit about himself and God and there I am trying to suppress my grins. But yeah he's a very nice guy, taught me a lot in a very short span of time, so thanks Ankush, sorry i had to put you through all the bull-crap.

By the time we were finished it was 11 in the night and raining like crazy. I returned to the hostel to discover that it was completely flooded, took off my shoes and waded through dirty water to reach my room. Realized that the food Maneet was supposed to keep for me was in the mess which had shut down. Started discussing SWOT analysis with my father when Barua called me up asking to be picked up from T&P. Picked him up and then tried going off to sleep. Couldn't sleep, so I called up Kriti. She saved me man, swear to a non-existent God. Had it not been for her I wouldn't have survived. She talked to me from four in the morning till seven and when I went cuckoo listened to me and calmed me down. At seven I got ready and realized that I'd lost my car keys, not exactly the perfect start to the day. Anyways, went down to SNH where Kriti gave me some food. She actually saved the day for me, couldn't have done it without her. Thanks Kiki, I owe you big.

The group presentation went well. Our assignment was to cut down communication and transportation costs for XYZ company. And then we waited for the shortlist to arrive. Didn't have to wait for long though, and once the list had arrived you could see the Fuck-me-I-am-fucked look on the faces of those who had cleared the presentation. Now the actual waiting started. Sitting in the basement of T&P waiting for your turn, while others came out and told you of their experiences, that was just frustrating. By the time my interview was over, it was evening and a few guys from NSIT had arrived. I went to Mech Canteen and sat with Swati and Bindlish (both of whom also cleared Deloitte) and Swati told me that she was just sick of the waiting, getting through to the last round and then not clearing the PI. When the news came that the results would be out in some time we returned to the T&P dept. Then Simi finally came out with the results on a chart paper and announced my name. I was so happy, both my fists were in the air, heard someone scream "Bhaluuu" and relief just flooded me. Heard other names being announced Bhasin, Swati, Bindlish, Dikshit... It was a good day for us. First things first, called up the father and told him that I had a job. Mother got to know and went bonkers. Then went around spoke with the others, Swati, Bhasin, Gillu, Kiki and Atulya and caught hold of Dikshit, who'd gone started running around in circles after the announcement. I was so happy that when I went to thank the guy who took my interview the only thing I managed to say was "Thank you."

After the preliminary celebrations I took Gillu with me to search for my car keys. Unsuccessful in that particular endeavor and Gillu, being the intelligent one, told me to call up my mother and tell her what had happened. I, the stupid one, ignored that bit and took the others out to Dominoes. We made pigs of ourselves on Cheese Bursts and Coke. Later, pushed off to Zune for another form of celebration. Finally returned to the hostel and caught up on some much needed sleep.

Oh yeah my mother's first question the next morning when I told her about the car keys? "Arjun, were you drunk yesterday?"